Ma was sick, I could never understand how she could keep her calm in the middle of chaos, she put up with dads crap and I could never really understand till I visited this summer . Ma was all shades of fucked up, I found the pill bottles in the kitchen cabinet, seems like dad really did a number on her, so was Ma strong because of all the pills? All this while I thought Ma was always able to control the situation for some certain reason I always believed Ma could handle it all. Fuck!!! I screwed up, I should have been there for her, I should have tried more, come out to see her more, tell her I love her more, lay in bed with her more and in that moment all I could think of was how much more I should be doing for her….more…

I dropped the pills and brought Ma her tea, Ma loved tea and I could ever really understand but she said it soothed her, it was her secret medicine and my mind darted back to the pills I saw but I never had the courage to confront her about it, we talked about a lot that night, Ma held me in her arms through out the night till the next morning and once again it was time for me to leave, my flight was by 8:00AM.

Ma dropped me off at the airport and we said little but I told her she should get help around the house and she promised she would. We hugged and she gave me a kiss on the cheek and once again it was time to part ways.

The flight back was long and tiresome but I made it home all the way I thought about how much more I could do for Ma, how much more I should do for Ma. I learned so much about Ma that summer and soon again time passed and I somehow forgot how much more I planned to do for Ma. More never came, I never did more and somehow I convinced myself that I was too busy with one thing or another.

The phone rang and it was an unknown number, I was hesitant to pick up at first but then I was overcome by this crippling fear that something must have happened to Ma, I picked up the phone, heart racing, my head feeling really light like it was about to float and there was this pain in my stomach, that nervous pain you get that comes like a wave…head…heart…stoma…



3 thoughts on “MA…

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